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Post by HairBandFan on Aug 13, 2005 20:42:24 GMT -5
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
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Post by sERVO on Aug 16, 2005 15:23:10 GMT -5
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Post by sERVO on Aug 22, 2005 18:07:18 GMT -5
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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Post by bEAVIS on Aug 30, 2005 18:13:22 GMT -5
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange & blue.
The old man stared. The teenager would look & find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough he sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye lid in his response. He replied, "Got drunk once an had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
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Post by HairBandFan on Sept 1, 2005 13:53:45 GMT -5
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!.......How much water did you drink?!!"
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Post by sERVO on Sept 2, 2005 20:33:16 GMT -5
Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be OK throughout Europe."
Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.
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Post by sERVO on Sept 8, 2005 16:04:51 GMT -5
OK. Bad jokes huh? Here is a TRULY BAD JOKE. Try and top this one.
A medieval kingdom was situated on an island in the sea. A bridge connected the island to the mainland. The problem was, anyone who tried to cross the bridge would be attacked by giant mystical yellow fingers and dragged to the bottom of the sea. The king had sent his bravest knights to overcome the fingers and cross to the other side, but they all failed.
One day, a young page wanted to make an attempt of his own. Neither the king nor his remaining knights believed he could do it, but before they could argue, the page was already half way across the bridge -- and, quite surprisingly, the yellow fingers did not rise out of the water to grab him.
The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
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Post by MysteriO on Sept 14, 2005 17:55:55 GMT -5
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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Post by sERVO on Sept 24, 2005 18:58:27 GMT -5
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, Father, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Kevin slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads." says Tommy.
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Post by HairBandFan on Sept 29, 2005 15:58:30 GMT -5
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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Post by bEAVIS on Oct 11, 2005 16:47:54 GMT -5
A sandwich walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool and says to the barkeep, "I'll have a beer, please." The barkeep looks down on him and says, "Sorry we don't serve food here." ;D
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Post by sERVO on Oct 16, 2005 14:29:36 GMT -5
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after- and he fished, watched TV, went hunting and he played golf a lot. The guy also drank beer, slept till noon and farted whenever he felt like it.
THE END
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Post by bEAVIS on Oct 20, 2005 3:39:37 GMT -5
Q- What do you call a mentally disturbed horse with a broken leg? A- Crazy glue
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Post by sERVO on Oct 20, 2005 20:49:29 GMT -5
That really DID suck. I think we may have a winner.
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Post by HairBandFan on Oct 28, 2005 12:17:33 GMT -5
George W. is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush sees the ghost of Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! what is the best thing I can do to help the country?
"Respect the Constitution" Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night Bush awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering, Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades.
The fourth night Bush sees another figure. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?
"Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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