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Post by HairBandFan on Oct 28, 2005 12:19:13 GMT -5
Looks like my "Member" finally grew to "Full" status.
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Post by sERVO on Nov 2, 2005 8:21:59 GMT -5
A Late Halloween Joke...
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
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Post by buzzard on Nov 3, 2005 10:45:54 GMT -5
A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me." She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards." "Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!" "OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey cock sucker! it's for you!"
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Post by sERVO on Dec 3, 2005 7:32:31 GMT -5
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard. So for his birthday, she grants one of his lifelong wishes, and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobby! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife is now furious, she grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, it looks like you picked up a real bitch this time."
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Post by Jethro Bodine on Dec 3, 2005 21:54:31 GMT -5
Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
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Post by sERVO on Dec 8, 2005 22:45:17 GMT -5
For all those that have ever doubted the intelligence of a Redneck. You need to read: "Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. "Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" “Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)
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Post by HairBandFan on Dec 13, 2005 14:49:39 GMT -5
What do you call Milk of Magnesia and Vodka ?
A Phillips Screwdriver
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Post by sERVO on Jan 27, 2006 2:33:41 GMT -5
Three little ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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Post by sERVO on Feb 11, 2006 9:38:22 GMT -5
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the Doctor's' office and says that her body hurts Wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on Her left breast and screams, then she pushes her Elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes Her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle And screams.. Everywhere she touches makes her Scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a Redhead, are you?
"Well, ! no" she says, "I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your Finger is broken."
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Post by bEAVIS on Feb 14, 2006 0:23:39 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum and the armadillo that it can be done successfully!
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Post by bEAVIS on Feb 22, 2006 15:16:01 GMT -5
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The newspaper reported that there's a small, medium, at large.
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Post by Unknown on Mar 22, 2006 22:02:32 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: I don't know and I don't care!
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Post by bEAVIS on May 9, 2006 12:50:08 GMT -5
A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office. When the doctor asked her what's wrong the frog says, “I got something stuck to my ass!”
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Post by sERVO on Jun 18, 2006 20:41:54 GMT -5
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots so he arrests him for indecent exposure As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ..so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "
And here I am.
Son of a gun, 'Blond men' do exist.
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Post by Uncle Al on Jun 27, 2006 10:24:29 GMT -5
If you'd like to check if your brew is kickin' alcohol wise......http://www.realbeer.com/edu/health/calories.php
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