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Post by bEAVIS on Jul 4, 2006 22:28:34 GMT -5
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
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Post by bEAVIS on Nov 5, 2006 19:35:09 GMT -5
Our geology teacher was showing us slides of the Grand Canyon and said, "It took two hundred million years to make this." And I said, "Was it a Government project?"
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Post by bEAVIS on Dec 3, 2006 13:44:16 GMT -5
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." "It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm! ... let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, " After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants." Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!!!
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Post by uncleAlc on Dec 13, 2006 8:55:34 GMT -5
I guess you never know what you'll get................Phi Delts was pretty cool.
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Post by HairBandFan on Dec 13, 2006 23:17:44 GMT -5
Um..OK...
I don't know, what DO you get when you go to the Phi Delts?
(I really don't know, it was all a blur. And I'm just trying to help out UncleAlc here with what should be an amazing joke!)
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Post by uncleAlc on Dec 19, 2006 12:13:33 GMT -5
ok, I'll bite.........when you go to Phi Delts you get......a recycled "blind man" joke.........
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile, picks up a greasy fork and returns to the blind man's table to hand it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great - I take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli please."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!?"
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Post by bEAVIS on Feb 19, 2007 16:54:15 GMT -5
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
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Chuck friggin Norris
Guest
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Post by Chuck friggin Norris on Feb 19, 2007 19:27:38 GMT -5
Before the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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Post by bEAVIS on Mar 2, 2007 17:00:11 GMT -5
Three Blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. St Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts". St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted...
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Post by slay3r on Jul 31, 2007 20:30:46 GMT -5
What's the difference between a bowling ball and black pussy?....................................I think I could force myself to eat a bowling ball...
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